Grace lessons from the sidelines...

The game had gone horribly wrong.  For that matter, the whole season had been a struggle.  My nine year old daughter Kate’s soccer team were woefully bad.  They were so consistently out played by their opponents that the other teams would try to change up their formations and pass the ball so as to not run up the score (at least the classy ones would).  Her coaches were nice people doing the best they could and I appreciated their dedication to my daughter and our team, but they were not really soccer people.  Losing a soccer game is not the end of the world, but consistently watching girls you care about be beaten ten plus to zero because on goal kicks your team kicks the ball to the center and not the outside is heart wrenching to someone who is a soccer person.

However, losing was not the most difficult thing.  Watching Kate become demoralized was the worst part.  In our family, we have a rule that you try and give your best... always.  It is okay to make mistakes and mess up, but you always try.  I will never be disappointed in my children for missing a play, I will only be disappointed if they do not try.  It was very difficult as a father to watch Kate become so demoralized that she stopped trying.  As the season began, Kate was a confident and competent player.  But, as the season has progressed she lost her confidence.  She began watching the game instead of playing because literally game after game her and her teammates gave up goal after goal.  It is hard to be motivated when its 10-0 them.  She quit playing in some games, and her mom and I struggled to keep her engaged in each game.

But this week, there was hope.  In the warmups, the other team did not look very daunting.  The other girls looked to have a skill level similar to our girls.  And, the opposing team's parents sounded a lot like us.  I heard them ask questions like “how many games are left in the season” and “isn’t this almost over.”  Both teams shared a doubt on their lips before the game started.  Could we possibly have a competitive match?  Could things possibly go our way?  After a tentative start, our girls, so accustomed to losing and watching the game as the other team scored let a team that was clearly no better than they were begin to run-up the score.  It was even worse than the other losses because the other team was not actually better than our team, just more confident.  

I felt guilty.  I grew up playing soccer.  But due to my crazy pastor schedule, I was unable to help coach.  There were so many little ways that I wanted to encourage Kate’s team, but from our sidelines it was clear that our coaches did not know what to do or say.  I knew what to say, but did not have the time to give to the team.  And, I felt that I was the worst father in the world as yet another needless goal kick by our defense to their forward in front of our goal was kicked into the back of our net.  

Feeling guilty, I was angry and frustrated.  Not at our coaches, not at our daughter or her teammates, but at myself.  I was struggling to stay positive for Kate.  In general, I am not angry of frustrated often... but I could see the news headlines and evening news now, “Methodist Pastor Arrested After Scene At Daughter’s Soccer Game.”  I engaged in all of my self-reflective practices to keep my composure.  

Kate had all but quit playing by halftime, demoralized by yet another drubbing.  I was trying to encourage her, but I seemed to only be annoying her.  I was wondering if I should just pull her from the game at halftime and go home.  How much more of this should she have to endure.  When my wife Laura and I talked at half-time, Laura said that she did not want Kate to leave and think that she could quit when things get tough.  Laura was right.  Laura is almost always right ;).  But, I added, “If we stay, we can only make positive comments.”  I needed the corrective reminder as I was being tempted often.  We tentatively agreed.  

As the game continued its all to familiar spiral out of control, it was becoming harder and harder for me to keep my mouth shut.  But, I did.  I gave a few words of encouragement, but the same lack of goals and demoralized play seemed to be the only result.  After the game, I asked Laura to go get Kate as I carried the chairs back to the mini-van.  We smiled as we both whispered "Stay Positive" to one another.  But, I needed time.  I did not want to say anything stupid and needed time to compose myself before I spoke with Kate.  It did not seem right to me to be so frustrated by a kids soccer game.  But, it had been surprisingly frustrating.  Funny how guilt can take something small and make it so big.

When Kate walked up to me, I struggled to find something good to say.  But, I managed, “You had two times just before halftime where you controlled the ball well and dribbled toward their goal.  I was very proud of you.”  Kate hugged me and with tears in her eyes said, “Daddy, I wanted you to know that I was trying hard and giving everything so that you would be proud of me.  I wanted you to know that I enjoy playing soccer.”  

  

I fought back my tears and hugged her and told her that my pride in her did not depend on how she played soccer.  “I love you and I am proud of because you are my daughter.  It is because I love you that I want you to play soccer well.  But, never forget that I am proud of you and will love you no matter how you play.  I love you because you are you!”  It was a moment, one of many in our lives together that I hope help her know a little bit about the depth of love I have for her.  Maybe I wasn't as bad of a father as the guilt made me feel.  The moment of grace we shared was an important reminder to me about how important staying positive with our children is.  I would have never heard her words of grace to me, if I had not accentuated the positives.  My words of love would have been hollow if I had launched into a critique of her game or the coaches.  I would have missed the blessing if I had strayed from encouraging her.

That moment with my daughter was a gift given to me by the unconditional love found in my faith.  A faith that I am blessed to share with my wife.  It shaped our conversation at halftime and helped us do what was right even when it meant that our unexpressed angst would heighten our frustration.  It was worth it to let Kate learn more about love.

When our Bibles tell us that we have a heavenly father and uses the language of adoption and describes us as children of God, what does that mean?  I believe that there is a grace that has gone before from an unconditional love.  This love and grace is made known in the life, death, and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  No matter how much our efforts seem in vain, there is a God who loves us like a parent should.  God loves us.  Not because of how we play the game, but because we are God’s children.  This grace is also called prevenient grace.  It is a grace that has gone before and existed not because of what we have done, but because God loves us and has made us God's own.  With a bond more amazing than Laura's and my love for Kate, God loves each one of us.  And, God’s unconditional love prompts us to right action and effort, even when our game seems lost.

This love and grace showed up in that moment and gave me a better relationship with my daughter and brought a peace to me about this season that made all of those frustrating games worth it.  (Read 1 John 4:9-11) How might the unconditional love and prevenient grace found in our Lord Jesus Christ change and shape your relationships?